faesphere | slightly less tragic AU aka messer lived because fuck it

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slightly less tragic AU aka messer lived because fuck it

[The past several days feel like something of a blur, in retrospect. Ever since his near-death on Al Shahal Messer has been in and out of hospital, brought back from the edge in record time only thanks to the medical advancements and the pure adrenaline pumped through his body during his Var infection, and as much as he'd hated to remain bedridden, the war resumed without him. Not that he took to his new fate quietly- he'd tried to leave his bed enough times that the medical staff had stopped giving him access to intel of when fighting was going on between Walkure, Delta, and the Windermerians. That had helped... a little.

What definitely hadn't helped was his diagnosis: he survived the blast through his body, miraculously, but it wasn't without consequence. A last second dodge meant it avoided his heart and tore through his collarbone and shoulder instead, shattering bones, burning away his flesh, and destroying several crucial muscles they'd had to artificially rebuild. It was his left arm, at least, and therefore not the dominant one, but it still meant that his motor functions were a mess right now. Even after recovering enough to be back on his feet, he's been ordered to keep it in a sling as much as possible, and he's had trouble with movement, grip, reaction time... all critical abilities for a pilot. Molders already came by for a visit or two between skirmishes to discuss it, and his prospects weren't good.

And it's... is fine. It's fine. He'll be fine. He knows his career as a pilot is over as long as the Var remains incurable, but still... at least before, there'd been some distant hope. Now it's hard to feel anything.

(Which is another problem- the numbness sets in sometimes. They've got him on multiple painkillers and he's gotten reprimanded for trying to dodge taking a few. He hates that numbness already.)

Even with all of that, living is better than not, at least for now. Fate must want him around for something. And Kaname... her tears, as he lay seemingly dying in her arms after nearly crashing at her feet, had been terrible to behold. He never wants to see that look on her face again.

He hadn't been given much time to consider the deeper implications of his situation or be transferred again; not long after he's back on his feet (just barely), the Windermerians launched an attack on Ragna that left them dangerously close to total destruction, and they'd been ordered to split up and vanish for a while so they could recoup their losses, regain some sponsorship, and gather more intel on how to proceed. To his surprise, Molders had assigned him with Kaname and sent the two of them off in his Siegfried to Voldor, towards the safe houses they'd arranged with those freed by Walkure the last time they'd infiltrated the planet. With the Delta 2 plane hidden away in the marshlands outside of town, and their arms full of supplies, that's where they're headed now.]

...The sky's clouding over... we should be there before it rains.

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[When his hand runs through her hair, her eyes drift shut and she leans into his touch, a soft sigh escaping her lips. The honesty in his words gets her to nod in understanding. Then he asks about her. Of course he does. She exhales through her nose, a show of wry amusement.

Opening her eyes, Kaname meets his gaze, a warm feeling bubbling up inside her. Somehow the way he looks at her strikes a nerve, sending a tingling sensation down her spine. It's too much, so she looks away, nestling her head against him.]

I'm all right. Still tired, but not nearly as much as before. [Any pretense of feigning being okay or fine or normal went away with the safety of the Elysion. They both know being truthful is far more beneficial for them, and in a way, it brings them that much closer together. Which is a good thing, when they really only have each other for the foreseeable future.

It suddenly dawns on her that she's still in her disgusting clothes from the previous day and so is he. Her brows knit together at the thought of moving (and leaving his hold), but the practical part of her overrules that. She moves and sits up slowly, groaning slightly at the stiffness from yesterday and the lack of warmth from his figure. Stretching a little at a time, and eventually standing, Kaname turns around to face Messer.]

I'm going to take a shower and change, but I'll be back soon. Try to get a little more sleep if you can.

[She pauses before leaning over and brushing his hair away from his forehead. In her eyes, there's so much swirling emotion, she doesn't know where or how to begin to untangle any of it. One thing she does know is that parting from him for this long is difficult all of a sudden. But it's not an unwelcome feeling.]

I don't remember if I said anything last night, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. [Her hand moves from his forehead to tightly grip his own.] But Messer, I'm so proud of you, and I'm lucky to have you by my side here. Thank you.

[His brows furrow, taking in her praise with some reluctance, though his fingers willingly twine with hers. He thinks he might have heard those words, but everything from the day before grew fuzzy overnight, overwhelmed by his weariness. He barely remembers the residents of the house they're staying in or the path they took from his ship. They have coordinates, thankfully, but his mind's a muddled mess and he's not sure just how much he's lost.

Worry about that later, though. More importantly, there's work to be done.]

There's no need for that, I was just doing my job. I wasn't about to let myself be separated from you.

[It's absurd to even say it, he knows; if he'd fallen she would have stayed with him until he could walk again. He knows this now, even if it's a little difficult to believe sometimes. It's just the way she is. Beautiful, strong, generous, loyal. There's no one like Kaname in his life.]

Go ahead and get cleaned. I'll wait here.

[Maybe he can do something about the bed in the meantime.]

[Just doing his job. The words receive a soft smile from her. It took years for him to let her in on the knowledge that it was much more than that. She knows now, and she won't be forgetting any time soon. These facts weigh on her heart, but it's a sturdy sort of weight, not a burdensome one. Everything allows her so much more insight into him, it's almost overwhelming.

She gives his hand another squeeze before pulling away, adding as an afterthought:] I mean it. Try and rest.

[It's longer than she meant to be away. Closer to forty minutes than twenty. The shower feels so good, she almost falls back asleep while standing under the flow of the hot water. Finding suitable attire for Voldor, similar to the ones from their last mission, takes a little time, too. Their retreat was so hasty, she's not too familiar with what's in each pack. While there, she picks something out for Messer, clothes that seem easier to put on and take off than others. It'll still be a little challenging, but she's putting her mind to easing his pain as much as possible.

Next, Kaname looks around for some food. Some water-- they're both parched. Bread, cheese, maybe some fruit, not apples. Once everything's gathered, she reenters their room with his clothes draped over her arm, and her hands carrying a tray with two bottles of water and some assorted dry foods.]

Let's have something to eat first. It's been too long since we last ate, and you're supposed to be drinking lots of water. I also got some clothes out for you. They should work for you better than what you're wearing now in terms of comfort. [And injury accommodation.] Sorry that took so long.

[She looks at him, a different sort of smile gracing her features. If asked, she wouldn't quite know how to describe what she's feeling.]

[He's sitting up in bed when she returns with his bad arm tucked dutifully in the sling, and to his credit he did sleep a bit, and he even looks it. His eyes are more alert, less hazy or clouded with pain, and while the stress is still lying beneath the surface, he's able to muster a small smile in response as she rejoins him. He'd just started to get hungry, so the sight of her alongside food is a twofold blessing.]

Don't worry about it, there's no hurry. It's likely that we won't hear anything for days, so we have time to get settled.

[If it were anyone else, they'd probably get scolded, but Kaname is the last person he'd ever accuse of slacking off. If she took any extra time it's because it was necessary- either for their goals or her own wellbeing. He's fine with either option.]

[Kaname shakes her head when he says there's no hurry. Maybe there actually isn't, not really, but it's still longer than she's comfortable being separated from him at this point in time. She's famished and imagines he's getting there if he isn't already. The idea of receiving news isn't even on her radar. They've got to focus on themselves first and foremost, and that means taking care of each other. In this case, her taking care of Messer.

The chair from last night is still by his side of the bed, so she takes a seat there, nudging it as close to him as she can. Setting the tray on her lap, it's positioned so he can hopefully take what he'd like, including the bottle of water with the cap already twisted off.]

I'm so hungry, I just need something. [She flashes him a smile before taking a decently sized bite from a roll of bread and washing it down with a swig of water.] There was more, if you want me to look for something specific. I don't mind.

[Even as she eats her own food, Kaname glances at him, making sure he can reach and eat comfortably without (too much) pain. Occasionally, she'll hold out a piece of cut up fruit or a hunk of cheese or a piece of bread. It's an after thought, really, just to make sure they're both getting a decent amount.]

Once we're more settled, I could toss together some sandwiches. The kitchen has enough variety to keep it interesting. Different sorts of juice as well.

[Her conversation isn't idle chat to fill silence or find a topic. It never is with them. She's interested in what he may or may not like, what his preferences are, how much he eats at a time. If she stopped and thought about it, she'd realize this is the first time they've actually sat and eaten together despite all of her invitations over the years.

Circumstances aside, it's somehow a sort of comfortable occasion.]

[The fact that they're sharing a meal may be lost on Kaname, but it hasn't escaped Messer's notice. He's spent too many mealtimes alone not to recognize how rare it is to have company. Politely he accepts every offer of food from her with a quiet thanks, nodding along with her commentary. He's grateful for her ability to lead conversation and listens with interest regardless of import. No matter how small, to him, her words always matter.]

Anything is fine. Considering the circumstance, we can't afford to be picky.

[He's quiet for a moment, chewing thoughtfully, and then adds,]

When we reclaim Ragna, we can have a proper meal somewhere. Any place you like.

[It's an offer with dual-purpose: first, to give her something a bit more substantial than "we're a couple, probably, maybe, privately", and second, to help reassure her that yes, he's going to survive this just fine, and yes, they'll go back together. He's determined; they will reclaim their home. No matter what.]

[His offer causes her to pause, then smile warmly at him with a nod.]

A feast at Ragnyanyan with everyone else, just like it should be.

[The answer's an easy one, and it slips out without a second thought from her as to what else his statement might entail. Thinking of him with the rest of them a home like the family they are makes her happy, and his willingness to be part of that only increases the feeling.]

Oh, that reminds me. There was a note on the counter from about an hour ago. They went out to get some things we might need, and they'll be back around five. That'll give us around four and a half hours to get settled by ourselves.

[Between their chatting and relaying of information, the food gradually disappears. Realizing the tray and plate are now empty, Kaname stands, ready to take it back to the kitchen.]

We should get you cleaned up after this. [Yes, she did say 'we'.] You'll feel better after a shower, trust me.

[Going to the kitchen, rinsing the plate, and leaving the tray is quick work, meaning she comes back into the room only a few minutes later. Softly she takes a seat by him on the bed, tilting her head in question.]

What will you let me help you with?

["With everyone"... Messer's gaze shifts away, staring out the window as she wanders to and from the kitchen. Is that what she'd prefer? He can't exactly blame her- his company is bound to get tiresome before long. Stirring conversation he is not. Still, whichever way it goes, he'll be content so long as she's around. It's fine if the others have to be there, too.

He sets free a silent sigh at the mention of a shower; it sounds too exhausting to bear, but he does feel hideous and he knows if he sits in the muck too long his wounds will get infected and it'll take even longer to heal. He'll be lucky if they aren't festering already.]

If you can get me to the shower, I'd be grateful.

[Just how proud is he feeling today? He's loathe to ask for much more than that- the thought of being bathed like an old man, or for Kaname to see him in such a pitiful state... it's difficult to bear. Still, there are some things he knows he can't do alone.]

I'll... probably need help changing the bandages, as well.

[Kaname would be the first to object to his interpretation of her reply, had she known his thoughts. For now, she's relieved he's not fighting her regarding her assistance. Nodding, she moves off the bed and closer to him, holding out her arms for him to bear his weight upon.]

Of course. Anything you need, Messer.

[And she means it wholeheartedly. His eventual weight braced against her is more than she's expecting, but she stays sturdy. It's what she can do for him, and it'll take more than that to keep her from it. His pride if often an obstacle, Kaname knows, yet it seems he can let some of it go with her. Maybe the extra warmth she feels is only from his body next to hers.

Soon, she's got his right arm over her shoulders as he leans against her with her left arm around his midsection to keep him steady. A small part of her wants to wrap her other arm around him, too, and not let go for a while. It surprises her how well she slept that way the previous night. Once they're more settled, it'll give her something to think on.]

How are you? I'm not holding too tight, am I?

[Slowly but surely, they make their way to the bathroom, where a stool waits, likely for him to sit on. Guiding him there, the singer slowly releases his form and faces him. She reaches for the jacket to begin taking off the muck covered garments.]

You're fine.

[The truth is, if she held on any less tightly he'd probably lose his balance and slip, though he's reluctant to admit it. The journey yesterday has left him still weak and wobbly, the long sleep having given his body a chance to drain free the adrenaline that had fueled their escape, not to mention it's now remembering that not too long ago a big hole bad been blasted through it. Medical advancements aren't the same thing as miracles, and healing takes time. He's still weak and susceptible to all the problems that go hand in hand with almost dying.

He half-reaches for his clothes to start removing them himself when he meets her hands in the middle, and he hesitates, his brows furrowed.]

Kaname... you don't have to stay.

[He doesn't want her to remain in a situation that might make her uncomfortable just to help him.]

[Messer's words, intended to be generous, hit her a little harder than she expects. For a brief moment, her expression wavers into one of mixed reluctance and concern. Thoughts occur to her one by one, but she does her best to push them aside enough to shake her head. She's not leaving, not now. It might be best to explain.]

I want to stay. [Here, with him. Even if she doesn't want her to. The last thought feels like a slap, but she doesn't care. If she can help him in any way, she will.] Please.

[Those are the only words she allows herself to speak before going back to his jacket, sliding it off his good shoulder and arm. Moving back in front of him, Kaname gently places one hand under his injured arm to hold it up and uses her other to slowly bring the sling over his head. She keeps the process as gentle as she can, careful not to jar his arm. Once it's resting in his lap with the jacket removed, the singer looks at his shirt with furrowed brows.]

Tell me how you'd like to manage this. I could always find scissors to remove it that way if it's better for you.

[Kaname can't help it. She reaches over to hold his left hand. The contact is calming to her.]

Edited 2018-04-05 15:56 (UTC)

[He's still a little reluctant, but she knows herself better than he does, and he's not inclined to argue with her over it. Instead he gives her hand a light squeeze and uses the other to tug at the bottom of the shirt. It gives a little, and then suddenly gets stuck, and he can't tell whether it's stuck on the bandages or not.]

Our supplies and funds are still limited, so we should try to avoid destroying the shirt. Let's try to get it wet first, see if we can pry it off. The bandages, too.

[They should have done this last night, he knows, but that's not realistic. There's no way they could have made it through this process- wouldn't even have made it to the bathroom.]

[She tilts her head in thought, nodding at his point. She's not personally worried about their clothes, but it's better to play it safe. Reluctantly, his hand is released from hers. Kaname crouches down to take a look at what the problem might be.]

Hold on. [Her hand goes underneath and works at something, quickly freeing the fabric.] It was only dried mud. Do me a favor and lift up your right arm.

[It doesn't take long for her to slide his shirt upwards and free his arm with some cooperation from him. There's bound to be a little pressure on his left shoulder and arm, but she does her best to keep it to a minimum. A quick mention from her tells him to duck his head slightly. Now all that remains is his left side.

Try as she might, she can't help but look him over during the process. It's hard not to appreciate him from a physical perspective, and she makes sure to avoid his glances during this so he can't see her face. It'd be more than a little embarrassing.]

It might be easier to let you finish with this. Are you still feeling the same? No worse?

[He helps where he can, shifting his limbs, turning his body to avoid jostling it against her as she works, using his good hand to coax the material off of his skin. It's thin and stretches a bit, which makes it easier, and underneath the bandages are cleaner than he'd expected. Still very much in need of a change, but it looks like the worst of the muck was below his waist and on the outer layers. He'd surely feel feverish if it was infected, so it's probably okay. That's a relief.

With a better view of his situation, he relaxes a little, and glances over at her with a nod.]

No worse, I can manage the rest. Thank you for your help, Kaname. [He meets her gaze, showing that same small smile.] Truly.

But I... [She cuts herself off from objecting. Of course, she wants to do more to help him, to do all she can. But his honesty with her here is a new level of understanding, and if she questions it now, for all she knows, it could be a step back.

So Kaname nods but lingers for a moment.]

Of course. I'm thankful you allowed me to. [The smile's returned, a familiar warmth to hers before she lets slip a little of what she's feeling.] It was nice to be able to do something for you for once.

[Before Messer can address that, she heads for the door.]

I'll be in the room right outside, all right? Let me know if you need anything or when you're done.

[And she's gone.]

Edited 2018-04-06 04:28 (UTC)

[He watches her go, eyes widening a little; he couldn't respond even if she'd waited for it. Those words keep him preoccupied as he goes through the long, arduous process of getting himself into the shower, stripping off the old bandages, washing off the dried muck and sweat from the trip, moving the soap and water carefully around the still-healing flesh of his injury. He thinks, and he wonders, and he worries.

Does she really not know? Does she not even imagine how deep his gratitude goes? "For once", she'd said. As if this were the first time she'd helped him, as if what she'd done before now, day after day, with her song and her smile and the way she said his name, offered her company, welcomed him back... as if none of that was worth worlds more than his piloting skills or the aim of his weapon. As if she wasn't the reason he's even alive, back then and even now.

Eventually he finishes in the shower and manages to get the spare pants back on, but there's still the bandages to be sorted, so with a slow, halting gait he walks to the door and steps out, shirtless with a towel around his shoulders.]

Finished. We have some spare bandages?

[By the time he wanders out, she's already laid said bandages on the table. Along side them are some medication, anti infection cream, gauze pads, a fresh sling, and some notes about caring for his condition that look thoroughly leafed through more than once. When she found the time is anyone's guess, but she did.

Kaname looks up from another stack of paper and immediately puts them to the side, standing to go over and assist him. Offering her shoulder once again, they make their way to a chair she has set up for the occasion. Thoroughly prepared she is. She lets him figure out how much help he'll need to sit and goes along with it. Once he's seat comfortably, her hands reach for the towel, but don't remove it yet.]

Some of this may sting, but I'll do my best to keep it short.

[As if stinging would bother him. She takes the towel away and sets it to the side. Cream and gauze in her hands, she turns back to really see the extent of the damage for the first time.

The tube nearly slips from her grasp as her blue eyes widen. It's not something she can help. Her reaction is instinctive, a reflex to his burns and scars. Shaking hands set the supplies back on the table, and Kaname sinks on to the chair across from him. She needs to steady herself first. Luckily being in the open air for a little bit won't harm anything.

All she can do is lean forward and reach over to take his hand again. Seeing him like this hurts her. It almost feels like she was the one who had a hole torn through them with the way her heart seems to constrict. Leaning forward, the young woman rests her head against his hand, swallowing the lump in her throat.]

I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. [For him. For everyone else. For herself.

Words she's been carrying around for days finally emerge. She feels horrible and somehow responsible for what he's been through. He's not meant to know this, lest she burden him more with it. Unfortunately, some things can't remain hidden for long.]

[Okay, okay. That's enough of that. His long ponder in the shower hadn't really given him a clear answer of how to deal with this unexpected lack of confidence in her worth that she's evidently feeling, but it isn't something he can bear to watch any longer. She's wrong, plain and simple.

He'd been afraid of his wound making her feel even worse, because looking at it makes him feel worse. If he could have done this alone to prevent her from this pain, he would have, and now he's glad to have kept her from the worst of it, as the dirt and the grime had made it so much more ugly than it is- at least like this it's clean and fresh. No going back now, one way or the other. Perhaps it's better that both of their secret shame is out in the open now.

Quietly he pulls his hand free of her grasp, moving both of his hands to her shoulders instead and urging her to sit back up again. It still hurts to move that arm, but this is too important to let that stop him.]

Kaname, look at me. [He'll wait, urging her further if he has to, until she meets his eyes.] This was not you. I'd never flown better than I did that day. Your song, your strength, is the only thing that kept me sane enough to fight as well as I did. And I know for certain that it's what let me survive with only this wound. [It's bold, he knows, but after a moment's hesitation he takes her hand and presses her palm to his chest- away from the wound, over his heart, which is pounding harder than his expression would hint.] They examined my plane while it was being repaired, and the commander told me. The aim was precise. Right here. If you hadn't supported me, I would be dead.

[His eyes are firm, not an ounce of doubt or deceit to be found. He believes this wholeheartedly- that once again, she saved him.]

[Further urging isn't required. His hands on her coupled with his voice addressing her is all she needs to meet his gaze. Something about it makes her feel like she's floating, not sure which way is up. It's disorienting, but not necessarily a bad thing. The grip on her shoulders steadies her, guiding her back to where she needs to be. As opposing as the combination seems, it's a unique fit, one that works for him here with her at this moment.

Hand over hand over heart. Kaname's breath catches in her throat when he does that. Messer's a forward person, taking the initiative in many things, but never like this. She looks to their hands, stomach tightening at the adjacent scarring. But it's the pounding of his heartbeat that has her in wonder. Despite his condition just days prior, it's stronger than she imagined. Her eyes travel back to his, and the certainty in his eyes is overwhelming.

She doesn't know what prompts her to do so, but silently, she moves from her chair to him, sideways, as she finds a place on his lap, weight positioned on his right side. Her right hand remains over his heart. Red hair tickles the side of his jaw as her forehead rests in the crook of his neck, a sigh barely escaping. His bare form might be marred to some, but to Kaname, it's just a new measure for how much he's willing to sacrifice for them all.]

I won't ever stop supporting you. As long as you're doing you're best for us, I'll be there to watch over you. Even after that.

[Blue eyes close, and she exhales softly, warm breath hitting his still damp skin. She knows there are dressings to change and medicine to administer, but this? This is something they both need more than anything else right now.]

[He'd been hoping for a positive reaction, some indication that she'd felt encouraged by his words, but the last thing he'd expected is this. He's not unpleasantly surprised, but it's probably a good thing she can't see his expression. He doubts she's ever seen him so startled before.

Well, perhaps one time. Years ago, back on Alfheim- when he'd looked up, bleeding, terrified, heartsick by the carnage he'd caused, gazing up into the face of his savior and feeling, quite suddenly, the beginnings of what would become his new life's path. She'd sure surprised him then, too.

Tentatively, all certainty yanked out of him, he curves his good arm around her, to support her and steady her weight on his lap. He's so unbelievably out of his usual comfort zone, but if this is what she wants - what she needs - he won't take it away from her. If pressed, it's... kind of nice, actually. He's never experienced this sort of thing before.]

I'll give you everything I can. My skills may not be worth as much as they used to be, but I'll figure something out. I don't want to be another thing you need to worry about.

[Her head shakes against him, dismissing his statement. Shifting to snuggle closer, Kaname keeps her hand over his heart to track his reactions, not only to her words, but her actions as well.]

That's impossible now. I doubt I can stop worrying about you any more than you could stop worrying about me. [The next words from her are quieter, almost inaudible, but she knows he'll hear them. Because she wants him to.] And I don't want to stop.

[She closes her eyes, and her voice returns to a state closer to normal, though still subdued with her against him.] Messer, your skills are only a small part of what determines your worth, and they have very little impact on why we all care about you. Don't forget that.

[Speaking about why they all care about him is nice, but her tone indicates something less general, something much closer to home. While she tracks his own heart, it should be possible for him to feel hers in return, keeping an evenly matched, ever growing rhythm with his. Her breathing is steady, warm air exhaled on to his bare form.]

I want to know what you want to do now.

...I know. I know that. It isn't what I meant.

[He struggles to suppress a shiver at the feel of her breath against his skin, focusing instead on her words, the tension of worry and unease that still lies between them- with the situation both past and present, the path that brought them here to this place, with the tenuous future that lies ahead of him. Once they can regroup properly with everyone, her future is secure- she'll go back to performing with Walkure, saving people from the Var infection, fighting back against the war. And him? He has to find his place amongst all of that, or he'll be forced back into that reassignment they were trying to bury him in before. He'd agreed to it before, but now? Knowing how close Kaname had come to death while the rest of the squad struggled to fend off the knights in his absence? Hell no.

He knows they care- against all his efforts to prevent it, Delta and Walkure have come to care about him as a person, an ally, a friend. It's daunting and a cause for great uncertainty for him, but he can't deny it as the truth. And now that they know his secrets, now that they still care regardless of it, there's little sense in fighting with them over it any longer.]

What I'm worth to you means nothing to Xaos. If I can't support you in a way they find useful, they won't allow me to stay.

[Oh. His words hit Kaname harder than she'd like, especially since they're so true. No matter how much Arad and the Delta Flight protested, or how much even Walkure protested, she knows it wouldn't make a difference. As hard as it is to admit, as much as they would want him around, if he didn't find some way to contribute, it would be impractical and nothing but sentiment keeping him there. It would reflect badly on everyone involved and be nothing but an insult to Messer himself.

All she does is nod against him before moving away from his form and out of his hold, ignoring the empty feeling now at her side where he was. She stands, regaining herself. Time to get back to reality. More than she wants to let on, the feeling of him holding her is a nice one. A very nice one. She found herself almost feeling at ease, despite the situation they're in, and it isn't fair to put that pressure on him.]

We have a while to figure it out. I can't imagine us being here less than a few weeks with things as they stand now. It'll be time for you to recover and regain use of your arm. I'll assist with that however I can.

But now, we'll get those bandages back on. I... sorry about the delay.

[Her tone is back to a more business feel, one that Kaname hopes will help somehow. With a swift and deft practice, she manages to apply the medicine and rewrap his wounds. After that, she makes busy work of cleaning up the supplies on the table, not quite looking him in the eyes again.]

If you need help with your shirt, let me know.

[She doesn't know why, but she feels... something akin to a small level of shame, like she was taking advantage of something, even if she's not sure what. He's the injured one, and she had him comforting her. There's good will, and then there's something else. Maybe, if needed, she could pin it on lingering exhaustion.]

[There it is again- so strong, so practical. Part of why he loves her. There's no denial of the truth they both know, and as long as they're on the same page about it, they can work together to solve the problem. It's... a relief to know she wants it as badly as he does, actually. For him to stay. He'd been aware of it, of course, from all of the not-so-subtle hints she's been giving along the way, but still- to hear it openly means a lot.

He should work on that. To give, as much as take. If this is really what she wants...]

I'd appreciate it. ...The help, I mean.

[Among other things, but this first. He could probably struggle through it himself, but she looks upset about delaying his care, and he'd rather give her a chance to feel better about it than cling to this stupid pride he keeps wrestling with. He'd probably look like a fool wriggling into the shirt, anyway.

Carefully he unbuttons the front and gets his good arm through, offering the other out to her for assistance. He'll be grateful to get the wound out of sight- even with the bandages covering it, he hates seeing his weakness left out in the open. Bad enough that he can feel it all the time. Plus, if the family returned or the stationed Windermerians discovered them... it's just better not to have them see it.]

Of course. [The supplies are almost repacked by the time he requests her assistance, so she sets down the remainder and turns to face him. She takes his hand in hers, gently guiding it through the sleeve, careful to watch for any winces or noises of discomfort. It's a slow process, one they have to figure out together, but it works. Kaname fastens the sides of the shirt in front. It's a simple Voldorian style that makes it easier.

Finished, she offers him a nod, before turning and stowing the rest of the medical stash. The bag is easily recognizable as the one carried around her waist their entire trek, always kept close to her person. From behind, it's apparent she's rummaging through it, possibly looking for something specific. Only when she turns around holding a very familiar bracelet is it obvious.]

I'm glad it survived the trip all right.

[Kaname turns it over in her hands before offering it to him, an uncertain smile on her face. She honestly not sure how he'll take the gesture, but she feels he should have it back.]

It's yours.

[Ah... the bracelet. He'd almost forgotten about it; everything else going on had been far too distracting for it to be even close to his radar. He glances down at her offered hand, his expression somewhat conflicted. His giving it to her had been an intentional sacrifice, having very little in the way of personal effects, and it been one of his most precious possessions. If he had to leave, then at least he wanted to give something to her- something he'd always had with him, something she would recognize as his. Something that, once he was gone, she might have to remember him, maybe think of him once in a while.

If he stays, the purpose of that is lost, and maybe she understands that, but it still feels somewhat tacky to just take back a gift he'd given her. Reluctantly he accepts it, but he can't help the confusion in his eyes.]

I gave it to you. Why...?

[Maybe he's overthinking it. It wouldn't be the first time, nor will it be the last.]

You're staying. [It's not a question. Presenting it as a reason is how it might initially seem, but Kaname's tone has an underlying finality to it with no room for debating the fact. Even with the firmness to her tone, her eyes are softer as she looks at him.]

So you're not alone anymore. In case none of us can be there with you, at any time... in case I can't, you still have this.

[Now that she knows what it is, what it contains, it's all the much more reason for him to have it back. Maybe, if it can somehow continue saving him or giving him comfort, Kaname won't feel like she's failed him for so long, despite knowing there's no sense to those feelings.

With that settled (in her mind), and the supplies packed away once more, she holds out her hand for Messer to take so she can help him up.]

Come on, back to bed with you. [There's another smile from her, friendly and casual as before, almost like she's trying to disregard what'd happened. Or to distract from it, to make it easier for... someone. Possibly. Teasing him, she pokes at the subject.]

You never did tell me what you want to do now.

[He knows that tone- he's heard it used within Walkure, when she's in team leader mode, or during a rare, unexpectedly heated disagreement in tactics with Molders or the captain. A voice that demands understanding and no argument. Best to not fight against that tone, even if he wanted to. Which, as it turns out, he genuinely doesn't.

He accepts her hand gratefully, letting her guide him back to the bed to lie down. The shower and tending to his wounds had taken what little energy he'd regained after the exhausting journey from the day before, and he has a feeling that it'll take a few more long sleeps like that before he can be up and about for a reasonable amount of time. Until then, it seems, he'll still be in her care.

He's quiet for a long moment at her last comment, idly slipping the bracelet onto his wrist, gazing down at it. It's off, of course, the singular song unnecessary in her presence. She's... not wrong. Giving it away had been a little foolhardy, especially with him splitting off from Walkure and the temporary cure to his syndrome, but that hadn't stopped him. If he's going to be permitted to stay, he needs to make sure that he's safe to be around no matter what. "You're staying," so they need a contingency plan.

At last he looks up to meet her eyes, his expression calm and thoughtful. There's a peace found there, similar to how he'd looked while they watched the floating jellyfish together.]

Kaname... all I want, all I've ever wanted for a long time, is to remain by your side. If you'll allow it, then I'm satisfied.

[She takes his weight, supporting him on their way back to the bed. They get him there, and she helps him in, actually under the blankets this time. The weather outside is nice, much preferable to what they encountered on their way in, but comfort is key, and the little extra weight on top should give him that without being overbearingly warm.

Without letting on too much, she's found herself weary as well, though not the same amount as him. Working as tirelessly as she'd been, it'll take more than one night of crashing hard to get her back up to normal speed. Regardless, Kaname knows full well she's in better shape than him.

Her eyes look away from his when he finally answers her, and she can feel the heat rising to her face. Silently, she walks from him to the other side of the bed, lifting the covers and sliding in herself. A little movement gets her to his side, laying there and facing him. Unlike before, she doesn't tuck herself against him or even touch him in any way. They're close, very close to contact, but she waits, gaze steady on him, blue eyes unyielding.]

You deserve more than satisfaction, Messer. If that's all I can give you, I need to know, because otherwise, it wouldn't be right.

[Kaname means every word. Part of her knows it's not true, there's more than that. Hell, most of her knows it's not true. But she still needs to hear it, whatever 'it' is. She takes a slow breath in.]

Tell me. What do you want? [From her. From them.]

[Her question is a difficult one, though not because he doesn't have an answer. It's more an issue of allowing himself to acknowledge it, to even entertain its potential. Literal years of suppressing any desire of his own in lieu of fulfilling his duty, guiding the squad members working under him, protecting Kaname and the rest of Walkure, battling the Var and any enemy in his way. The only time he'd come close to wanting something for himself is his reckless desire to fight and win against the White Knight of Windermere, and that desire is nothing like what he feels here and now. Wanting that had cost him dearly, but he survived it because of her. The difference between this and that is quite literally life and death.

Still, after so long keeping it to himself, resisting all urge to let her get close and know the truth, after telling himself over and over that what his heart desired was an impossible, unattainable dream, the words are a lump in his throat, heavy and unwilling to come forth. Her gaze is imploring, her body warm as she presses close to his. He's not an idiot, even if he lacks experience with such things; he recognizes the potential here, what she might be offering if he just... reaches for it. Just says it.]

I... don't know what I deserve. I haven't for years.

[He's done too much in his life, too many terrible things. His hands are a mess of blood and chaos, those he killed on Alfheim, in space, across all of the planets they fought on. He's dangerous, a wildcard, an explosion waiting to go off, barely held in check by her song. He has no business touching her, asking anything more of her than her company. Yet here she is, and he can't seem to pull himself away any longer.

His heart's pounding again. It hurts, overworked from all the bloodloss, but he can't do anything to quell its unsteady beat. Not trusting his voice yet, his hand moves beneath the covers to find hers, tentatively twining their fingers together. He meets her gaze for a long moment and then, tellingly, drop lower, to her lips.]

If you- if you let me, I'm afraid I'd ask for too much.

[Leaning over, now propped up on her left elbow, Kaname smiles at him, eyes and everything about her expression showing a new sort of look. One filled with fondness, affection, kindness, warmth, and even a little amusement. Her right hand reaches over, pulling away from his, to brush some stray hair out of his face, gaze never leaving him.

Without a word or sound or anything other than her smile, her lips firmly meet his. The pressure is there, to let him know it's not a dream or a hallucination, to tell him she wants this as well, to tell him it's what he might ask isn't too much... it's not enough. Fingers run through his hair, slowly making their way to the back of his head, where her hand slides around to cup his cheek. He might not be in a position to hold her, but she can hold him and convey the fact she never wants to let go, even if she eventually has to.

When she does pull away, she allows herself to lightly flop on the pillow next to him, both hands now free. The right remains against his face, thumb tracing along his cheekbone, while the other takes his to press against her chest, specifically her heart. It's beating like mad, chest rising and falling as she catches her breath. He needs to know what it does to her. Calmly, eventually, she speaks in reply to his worries.]

Then I'll offer, and you can take what you want once you know. Like I said: You're staying.

[He... had not expected that. Maybe he should have; the hints were all there. The pieces had fallen into place and he, who prided himself as one prepared for any scenario, who faced every problem with serious determination and an intent to succeed, who refused to let anyone get the drop on him... he's left stunned and speechless, genuinely astonished at her... everything. With refined ease she breaks through all of his defenses, the fear of his own infection, his self-doubt, his cold personality, his inability to voice his own need. With warm care in her gaze she looks at him and sees beyond the surface, past his careful facade of indifference. With gentle hands she touches him, and somehow he forgets the pain of his body. With soft lips she kisses him, and just like that-

oh

It hadn't just been his imagination. All the hints he'd been afraid to pursue, all the signs she'd been showing to him-]

...I'm staying, [is his quiet, stunned echo at last, fingers curling against hers. He can feel the thrum of her heartbeat, the pace in tandem with his own. It's such a powerful reassurance, knowing that. Recognizing that, ah- she's nervous, excited, wanting. Familiar sensations. He can recognize them as his own, now that she's done what he couldn't and opened the door.

He wants to hold her but both hands are restrained, one by the sling and the other by her, so instead he does exactly what she'd told him to: he accepts her offer, takes this gift. He leans in and kisses her.

Yes, he's staying.]

[When he kisses her, it's different. There's something about being on the receiving end that sends a chill up her spine as she all but melts against his frame. She has to release his hand from her heart so she can steady herself, leaving him free to hold her any way he pleases. Any contact would be more than welcome; it would be encouraged.

In fact, there's no helping the small moan that escapes from her, into the kiss. To have the (added) confirmation that he wants this-- wants her-- so much is almost overwhelming. Of course, she knew, knows, he cared. Cares. The full extent of it wasn't even remotely discernible to her until the night under the jellyfish, however, and then she'd nearly lost him forever the very next day. That, coupled with the subsequent Windermean attacks, kickstarted her feelings, which she then had to shove aside in favor of preparations for escape.

Her hand moves from his cheek to the back of his head, steadying and solidifying the kiss. For a brief moment, she pulls away to center herself before going back in, barely giving either of them enough time to breathe. All she does is whisper his name hungrily. Body pressed to his side, Kaname can appreciate his form, something she hasn't allowed herself to do until they both arrived safely. Even then, it was due to her exhaustion, though she's not complaining now.

But it's now, through the bliss induced haze of longing, that their current states, mostly his, come back to her. With an almost agonized moan, the redhead pulls back, panting, to rest her head on his shoulder to catch her breath and regain her composure.]

Messer... [His name again, laced with so many different emotions, all of them for him alone.] We need to stop. For now.

[She's quick with the addendum, as she needs him to know it's only a temporary status.] You're not... Right now, neither of us are up for where this is heading, as much as we want it. [We. Both of them.]

If it's easier, I can sleep on the couch for now. [Though she really doesn't want to, if the way she's all but clinging to him is any indication (it is).] Just tell me what's best for you, and I'll do it.

[It's difficult to pull away, and his first impulse is to follow her, but he carefully quells it and closes his eyes, leaning back. He hadn't even considered that taking things so far would be on the table, at least until now, but the kiss solidified a surprising, mutual hunger for it. Most definitely something to think about. At this point it would be impossible not to.

She's right, though- he's in no state to offer anything like that to her, certainly not in any way that might be satisfying for either of them. He'd been halfway to passing out again when they switched from chair to bed, and her touch had revived him somewhat but he's still too exhausted to go far. Not to mention that with his heart pounding so heavily, the fear of regressing to his violent Var state is poking its way to the forefront of his mind.

He takes a moment to calm himself, breathing deeply, in and out, as the swift beat in his chest begins to settle, until he finally speaks up.]

I'd be glad if you stayed here, if it's what you'd prefer. We should stay close together for safety, and...

[Okay, even if it was safe he'd rather she be near him. Especially after the moment they just shared, the revelations come to light, and the reluctance in his expression makes that awfully clear. If she was offering to switch beds for her own sake, that's one thing, but he has a feeling that isn't the case.]

Of course it's what I'd prefer. [Her words are soft, but they contain audible traces of amusement. The thought of her wanting to sleep on the sofa instead of laying there against him after what they just shared is laughable. As if to emphasize her point, Kaname nestles against him, humming contentedly. Her right moves to rest on his stomach, fingers gently entwining with his from the edge of the sling.]

I think I slept better last night than I would have alone. It's probably thanks to you.

[The sheer level of exhaustion that plagued both of them is nothing to downplay, but she does mean what she says. Something about his presence next to her is stabilizing, allowing her to feel a sense of security she might not if she was on her own. Contact alone is reassuring in so many ways, considering he almost died not at all long ago. The rhythm of his heart, his warmth, his solid form, everything helps steady her now when she needs it most.

Barely even a week ago, she would never have seen herself with him like this. But then, she also had no idea how deeply his feelings for her ran. She's pained to admit it, but looking back, Kaname sees how much she took him being there for granted when he risked his life time after time to protect her and the rest of Walkure.

She closes her eyes, shutting out the light and colors to focus on the sound of his breathing. It's getting better, stronger, deeper than before. He's recovering. The thought of that fills her with relief, enough to completely relax against him. So much so, her thoughts slip out.]

I'm lucky to have you with me.

The feeling's... definitely mutual, [is his murmured response, his thumb rubbing idly over the back of her hand, as if to remind himself that she's real- like her body against his wasn't proof enough already. Any point of contact with her is a blessing and something undeserved- but for once, he'll greedily accept it. It's been so long since he was allowed to have much of anything beyond the bare necessities to survive, aside from perhaps that one, beautiful night beneath the stars and the floating jellyfish, standing at her side.]

Kaname... thank you. I'm- I'm happy that it's you.

[He has so much to thank her for, to be grateful of. For supporting him, for taking care of him, for saving him. More than that, accepting him as he is. Breaking the silence, and... giving him this, something he never imagined he could have. Her company's always been enough to keep him satisfied, but this goes so far beyond something so simple.

It won't take him long to drift off, exhausted as he is- it's barely been a few hours yet he's still playing catch-up- but as long as he can stay conscious, his focus is on her and the way she feels against him.]

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