slightly less tragic AU aka messer lived because fuck it

[vartex]

[The past several days feel like something of a blur, in retrospect. Ever since his near-death on Al Shahal Messer has been in and out of hospital, brought back from the edge in record time only thanks to the medical advancements and the pure adrenaline pumped through his body during his Var infection, and as much as he'd hated to remain bedridden, the war resumed without him. Not that he took to his new fate quietly- he'd tried to leave his bed enough times that the medical staff had stopped giving him access to intel of when fighting was going on between Walkure, Delta, and the Windermerians. That had helped... a little.

What definitely hadn't helped was his diagnosis: he survived the blast through his body, miraculously, but it wasn't without consequence. A last second dodge meant it avoided his heart and tore through his collarbone and shoulder instead, shattering bones, burning away his flesh, and destroying several crucial muscles they'd had to artificially rebuild. It was his left arm, at least, and therefore not the dominant one, but it still meant that his motor functions were a mess right now. Even after recovering enough to be back on his feet, he's been ordered to keep it in a sling as much as possible, and he's had trouble with movement, grip, reaction time... all critical abilities for a pilot. Molders already came by for a visit or two between skirmishes to discuss it, and his prospects weren't good.

And it's... is fine. It's fine. He'll be fine. He knows his career as a pilot is over as long as the Var remains incurable, but still... at least before, there'd been some distant hope. Now it's hard to feel anything.

(Which is another problem- the numbness sets in sometimes. They've got him on multiple painkillers and he's gotten reprimanded for trying to dodge taking a few. He hates that numbness already.)

Even with all of that, living is better than not, at least for now. Fate must want him around for something. And Kaname... her tears, as he lay seemingly dying in her arms after nearly crashing at her feet, had been terrible to behold. He never wants to see that look on her face again.

He hadn't been given much time to consider the deeper implications of his situation or be transferred again; not long after he's back on his feet (just barely), the Windermerians launched an attack on Ragna that left them dangerously close to total destruction, and they'd been ordered to split up and vanish for a while so they could recoup their losses, regain some sponsorship, and gather more intel on how to proceed. To his surprise, Molders had assigned him with Kaname and sent the two of them off in his Siegfried to Voldor, towards the safe houses they'd arranged with those freed by Walkure the last time they'd infiltrated the planet. With the Delta 2 plane hidden away in the marshlands outside of town, and their arms full of supplies, that's where they're headed now.]

...The sky's clouding over... we should be there before it rains.

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[axi]

[When he kisses her, it's different. There's something about being on the receiving end that sends a chill up her spine as she all but melts against his frame. She has to release his hand from her heart so she can steady herself, leaving him free to hold her any way he pleases. Any contact would be more than welcome; it would be encouraged.

In fact, there's no helping the small moan that escapes from her, into the kiss. To have the (added) confirmation that he wants this-- wants her-- so much is almost overwhelming. Of course, she knew, knows, he cared. Cares. The full extent of it wasn't even remotely discernible to her until the night under the jellyfish, however, and then she'd nearly lost him forever the very next day. That, coupled with the subsequent Windermean attacks, kickstarted her feelings, which she then had to shove aside in favor of preparations for escape.

Her hand moves from his cheek to the back of his head, steadying and solidifying the kiss. For a brief moment, she pulls away to center herself before going back in, barely giving either of them enough time to breathe. All she does is whisper his name hungrily. Body pressed to his side, Kaname can appreciate his form, something she hasn't allowed herself to do until they both arrived safely. Even then, it was due to her exhaustion, though she's not complaining now.

But it's now, through the bliss induced haze of longing, that their current states, mostly his, come back to her. With an almost agonized moan, the redhead pulls back, panting, to rest her head on his shoulder to catch her breath and regain her composure.]

Messer... [His name again, laced with so many different emotions, all of them for him alone.] We need to stop. For now.

[She's quick with the addendum, as she needs him to know it's only a temporary status.] You're not... Right now, neither of us are up for where this is heading, as much as we want it. [We. Both of them.]

If it's easier, I can sleep on the couch for now. [Though she really doesn't want to, if the way she's all but clinging to him is any indication (it is).] Just tell me what's best for you, and I'll do it.

[vartex]

[It's difficult to pull away, and his first impulse is to follow her, but he carefully quells it and closes his eyes, leaning back. He hadn't even considered that taking things so far would be on the table, at least until now, but the kiss solidified a surprising, mutual hunger for it. Most definitely something to think about. At this point it would be impossible not to.

She's right, though- he's in no state to offer anything like that to her, certainly not in any way that might be satisfying for either of them. He'd been halfway to passing out again when they switched from chair to bed, and her touch had revived him somewhat but he's still too exhausted to go far. Not to mention that with his heart pounding so heavily, the fear of regressing to his violent Var state is poking its way to the forefront of his mind.

He takes a moment to calm himself, breathing deeply, in and out, as the swift beat in his chest begins to settle, until he finally speaks up.]

I'd be glad if you stayed here, if it's what you'd prefer. We should stay close together for safety, and...

[Okay, even if it was safe he'd rather she be near him. Especially after the moment they just shared, the revelations come to light, and the reluctance in his expression makes that awfully clear. If she was offering to switch beds for her own sake, that's one thing, but he has a feeling that isn't the case.]

[axi]

Of course it's what I'd prefer. [Her words are soft, but they contain audible traces of amusement. The thought of her wanting to sleep on the sofa instead of laying there against him after what they just shared is laughable. As if to emphasize her point, Kaname nestles against him, humming contentedly. Her right moves to rest on his stomach, fingers gently entwining with his from the edge of the sling.]

I think I slept better last night than I would have alone. It's probably thanks to you.

[The sheer level of exhaustion that plagued both of them is nothing to downplay, but she does mean what she says. Something about his presence next to her is stabilizing, allowing her to feel a sense of security she might not if she was on her own. Contact alone is reassuring in so many ways, considering he almost died not at all long ago. The rhythm of his heart, his warmth, his solid form, everything helps steady her now when she needs it most.

Barely even a week ago, she would never have seen herself with him like this. But then, she also had no idea how deeply his feelings for her ran. She's pained to admit it, but looking back, Kaname sees how much she took him being there for granted when he risked his life time after time to protect her and the rest of Walkure.

She closes her eyes, shutting out the light and colors to focus on the sound of his breathing. It's getting better, stronger, deeper than before. He's recovering. The thought of that fills her with relief, enough to completely relax against him. So much so, her thoughts slip out.]

I'm lucky to have you with me.

[vartex]

The feeling's... definitely mutual, [is his murmured response, his thumb rubbing idly over the back of her hand, as if to remind himself that she's real- like her body against his wasn't proof enough already. Any point of contact with her is a blessing and something undeserved- but for once, he'll greedily accept it. It's been so long since he was allowed to have much of anything beyond the bare necessities to survive, aside from perhaps that one, beautiful night beneath the stars and the floating jellyfish, standing at her side.]

Kaname... thank you. I'm- I'm happy that it's you.

[He has so much to thank her for, to be grateful of. For supporting him, for taking care of him, for saving him. More than that, accepting him as he is. Breaking the silence, and... giving him this, something he never imagined he could have. Her company's always been enough to keep him satisfied, but this goes so far beyond something so simple.

It won't take him long to drift off, exhausted as he is- it's barely been a few hours yet he's still playing catch-up- but as long as he can stay conscious, his focus is on her and the way she feels against him.]