slightly less tragic AU aka messer lived because fuck it

[vartex]

[The past several days feel like something of a blur, in retrospect. Ever since his near-death on Al Shahal Messer has been in and out of hospital, brought back from the edge in record time only thanks to the medical advancements and the pure adrenaline pumped through his body during his Var infection, and as much as he'd hated to remain bedridden, the war resumed without him. Not that he took to his new fate quietly- he'd tried to leave his bed enough times that the medical staff had stopped giving him access to intel of when fighting was going on between Walkure, Delta, and the Windermerians. That had helped... a little.

What definitely hadn't helped was his diagnosis: he survived the blast through his body, miraculously, but it wasn't without consequence. A last second dodge meant it avoided his heart and tore through his collarbone and shoulder instead, shattering bones, burning away his flesh, and destroying several crucial muscles they'd had to artificially rebuild. It was his left arm, at least, and therefore not the dominant one, but it still meant that his motor functions were a mess right now. Even after recovering enough to be back on his feet, he's been ordered to keep it in a sling as much as possible, and he's had trouble with movement, grip, reaction time... all critical abilities for a pilot. Molders already came by for a visit or two between skirmishes to discuss it, and his prospects weren't good.

And it's... is fine. It's fine. He'll be fine. He knows his career as a pilot is over as long as the Var remains incurable, but still... at least before, there'd been some distant hope. Now it's hard to feel anything.

(Which is another problem- the numbness sets in sometimes. They've got him on multiple painkillers and he's gotten reprimanded for trying to dodge taking a few. He hates that numbness already.)

Even with all of that, living is better than not, at least for now. Fate must want him around for something. And Kaname... her tears, as he lay seemingly dying in her arms after nearly crashing at her feet, had been terrible to behold. He never wants to see that look on her face again.

He hadn't been given much time to consider the deeper implications of his situation or be transferred again; not long after he's back on his feet (just barely), the Windermerians launched an attack on Ragna that left them dangerously close to total destruction, and they'd been ordered to split up and vanish for a while so they could recoup their losses, regain some sponsorship, and gather more intel on how to proceed. To his surprise, Molders had assigned him with Kaname and sent the two of them off in his Siegfried to Voldor, towards the safe houses they'd arranged with those freed by Walkure the last time they'd infiltrated the planet. With the Delta 2 plane hidden away in the marshlands outside of town, and their arms full of supplies, that's where they're headed now.]

...The sky's clouding over... we should be there before it rains.

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[vartex]

[He knows that tone- he's heard it used within Walkure, when she's in team leader mode, or during a rare, unexpectedly heated disagreement in tactics with Molders or the captain. A voice that demands understanding and no argument. Best to not fight against that tone, even if he wanted to. Which, as it turns out, he genuinely doesn't.

He accepts her hand gratefully, letting her guide him back to the bed to lie down. The shower and tending to his wounds had taken what little energy he'd regained after the exhausting journey from the day before, and he has a feeling that it'll take a few more long sleeps like that before he can be up and about for a reasonable amount of time. Until then, it seems, he'll still be in her care.

He's quiet for a long moment at her last comment, idly slipping the bracelet onto his wrist, gazing down at it. It's off, of course, the singular song unnecessary in her presence. She's... not wrong. Giving it away had been a little foolhardy, especially with him splitting off from Walkure and the temporary cure to his syndrome, but that hadn't stopped him. If he's going to be permitted to stay, he needs to make sure that he's safe to be around no matter what. "You're staying," so they need a contingency plan.

At last he looks up to meet her eyes, his expression calm and thoughtful. There's a peace found there, similar to how he'd looked while they watched the floating jellyfish together.]

Kaname... all I want, all I've ever wanted for a long time, is to remain by your side. If you'll allow it, then I'm satisfied.

[axi]

[She takes his weight, supporting him on their way back to the bed. They get him there, and she helps him in, actually under the blankets this time. The weather outside is nice, much preferable to what they encountered on their way in, but comfort is key, and the little extra weight on top should give him that without being overbearingly warm.

Without letting on too much, she's found herself weary as well, though not the same amount as him. Working as tirelessly as she'd been, it'll take more than one night of crashing hard to get her back up to normal speed. Regardless, Kaname knows full well she's in better shape than him.

Her eyes look away from his when he finally answers her, and she can feel the heat rising to her face. Silently, she walks from him to the other side of the bed, lifting the covers and sliding in herself. A little movement gets her to his side, laying there and facing him. Unlike before, she doesn't tuck herself against him or even touch him in any way. They're close, very close to contact, but she waits, gaze steady on him, blue eyes unyielding.]

You deserve more than satisfaction, Messer. If that's all I can give you, I need to know, because otherwise, it wouldn't be right.

[Kaname means every word. Part of her knows it's not true, there's more than that. Hell, most of her knows it's not true. But she still needs to hear it, whatever 'it' is. She takes a slow breath in.]

Tell me. What do you want? [From her. From them.]

[vartex]

[Her question is a difficult one, though not because he doesn't have an answer. It's more an issue of allowing himself to acknowledge it, to even entertain its potential. Literal years of suppressing any desire of his own in lieu of fulfilling his duty, guiding the squad members working under him, protecting Kaname and the rest of Walkure, battling the Var and any enemy in his way. The only time he'd come close to wanting something for himself is his reckless desire to fight and win against the White Knight of Windermere, and that desire is nothing like what he feels here and now. Wanting that had cost him dearly, but he survived it because of her. The difference between this and that is quite literally life and death.

Still, after so long keeping it to himself, resisting all urge to let her get close and know the truth, after telling himself over and over that what his heart desired was an impossible, unattainable dream, the words are a lump in his throat, heavy and unwilling to come forth. Her gaze is imploring, her body warm as she presses close to his. He's not an idiot, even if he lacks experience with such things; he recognizes the potential here, what she might be offering if he just... reaches for it. Just says it.]

I... don't know what I deserve. I haven't for years.

[He's done too much in his life, too many terrible things. His hands are a mess of blood and chaos, those he killed on Alfheim, in space, across all of the planets they fought on. He's dangerous, a wildcard, an explosion waiting to go off, barely held in check by her song. He has no business touching her, asking anything more of her than her company. Yet here she is, and he can't seem to pull himself away any longer.

His heart's pounding again. It hurts, overworked from all the bloodloss, but he can't do anything to quell its unsteady beat. Not trusting his voice yet, his hand moves beneath the covers to find hers, tentatively twining their fingers together. He meets her gaze for a long moment and then, tellingly, drop lower, to her lips.]

If you- if you let me, I'm afraid I'd ask for too much.

[axi]

[Leaning over, now propped up on her left elbow, Kaname smiles at him, eyes and everything about her expression showing a new sort of look. One filled with fondness, affection, kindness, warmth, and even a little amusement. Her right hand reaches over, pulling away from his, to brush some stray hair out of his face, gaze never leaving him.

Without a word or sound or anything other than her smile, her lips firmly meet his. The pressure is there, to let him know it's not a dream or a hallucination, to tell him she wants this as well, to tell him it's what he might ask isn't too much... it's not enough. Fingers run through his hair, slowly making their way to the back of his head, where her hand slides around to cup his cheek. He might not be in a position to hold her, but she can hold him and convey the fact she never wants to let go, even if she eventually has to.

When she does pull away, she allows herself to lightly flop on the pillow next to him, both hands now free. The right remains against his face, thumb tracing along his cheekbone, while the other takes his to press against her chest, specifically her heart. It's beating like mad, chest rising and falling as she catches her breath. He needs to know what it does to her. Calmly, eventually, she speaks in reply to his worries.]

Then I'll offer, and you can take what you want once you know. Like I said: You're staying.

[vartex]

[He... had not expected that. Maybe he should have; the hints were all there. The pieces had fallen into place and he, who prided himself as one prepared for any scenario, who faced every problem with serious determination and an intent to succeed, who refused to let anyone get the drop on him... he's left stunned and speechless, genuinely astonished at her... everything. With refined ease she breaks through all of his defenses, the fear of his own infection, his self-doubt, his cold personality, his inability to voice his own need. With warm care in her gaze she looks at him and sees beyond the surface, past his careful facade of indifference. With gentle hands she touches him, and somehow he forgets the pain of his body. With soft lips she kisses him, and just like that-

oh

It hadn't just been his imagination. All the hints he'd been afraid to pursue, all the signs she'd been showing to him-]

...I'm staying, [is his quiet, stunned echo at last, fingers curling against hers. He can feel the thrum of her heartbeat, the pace in tandem with his own. It's such a powerful reassurance, knowing that. Recognizing that, ah- she's nervous, excited, wanting. Familiar sensations. He can recognize them as his own, now that she's done what he couldn't and opened the door.

He wants to hold her but both hands are restrained, one by the sling and the other by her, so instead he does exactly what she'd told him to: he accepts her offer, takes this gift. He leans in and kisses her.

Yes, he's staying.]

[axi]

[When he kisses her, it's different. There's something about being on the receiving end that sends a chill up her spine as she all but melts against his frame. She has to release his hand from her heart so she can steady herself, leaving him free to hold her any way he pleases. Any contact would be more than welcome; it would be encouraged.

In fact, there's no helping the small moan that escapes from her, into the kiss. To have the (added) confirmation that he wants this-- wants her-- so much is almost overwhelming. Of course, she knew, knows, he cared. Cares. The full extent of it wasn't even remotely discernible to her until the night under the jellyfish, however, and then she'd nearly lost him forever the very next day. That, coupled with the subsequent Windermean attacks, kickstarted her feelings, which she then had to shove aside in favor of preparations for escape.

Her hand moves from his cheek to the back of his head, steadying and solidifying the kiss. For a brief moment, she pulls away to center herself before going back in, barely giving either of them enough time to breathe. All she does is whisper his name hungrily. Body pressed to his side, Kaname can appreciate his form, something she hasn't allowed herself to do until they both arrived safely. Even then, it was due to her exhaustion, though she's not complaining now.

But it's now, through the bliss induced haze of longing, that their current states, mostly his, come back to her. With an almost agonized moan, the redhead pulls back, panting, to rest her head on his shoulder to catch her breath and regain her composure.]

Messer... [His name again, laced with so many different emotions, all of them for him alone.] We need to stop. For now.

[She's quick with the addendum, as she needs him to know it's only a temporary status.] You're not... Right now, neither of us are up for where this is heading, as much as we want it. [We. Both of them.]

If it's easier, I can sleep on the couch for now. [Though she really doesn't want to, if the way she's all but clinging to him is any indication (it is).] Just tell me what's best for you, and I'll do it.

[vartex]

[It's difficult to pull away, and his first impulse is to follow her, but he carefully quells it and closes his eyes, leaning back. He hadn't even considered that taking things so far would be on the table, at least until now, but the kiss solidified a surprising, mutual hunger for it. Most definitely something to think about. At this point it would be impossible not to.

She's right, though- he's in no state to offer anything like that to her, certainly not in any way that might be satisfying for either of them. He'd been halfway to passing out again when they switched from chair to bed, and her touch had revived him somewhat but he's still too exhausted to go far. Not to mention that with his heart pounding so heavily, the fear of regressing to his violent Var state is poking its way to the forefront of his mind.

He takes a moment to calm himself, breathing deeply, in and out, as the swift beat in his chest begins to settle, until he finally speaks up.]

I'd be glad if you stayed here, if it's what you'd prefer. We should stay close together for safety, and...

[Okay, even if it was safe he'd rather she be near him. Especially after the moment they just shared, the revelations come to light, and the reluctance in his expression makes that awfully clear. If she was offering to switch beds for her own sake, that's one thing, but he has a feeling that isn't the case.]

[axi]

Of course it's what I'd prefer. [Her words are soft, but they contain audible traces of amusement. The thought of her wanting to sleep on the sofa instead of laying there against him after what they just shared is laughable. As if to emphasize her point, Kaname nestles against him, humming contentedly. Her right moves to rest on his stomach, fingers gently entwining with his from the edge of the sling.]

I think I slept better last night than I would have alone. It's probably thanks to you.

[The sheer level of exhaustion that plagued both of them is nothing to downplay, but she does mean what she says. Something about his presence next to her is stabilizing, allowing her to feel a sense of security she might not if she was on her own. Contact alone is reassuring in so many ways, considering he almost died not at all long ago. The rhythm of his heart, his warmth, his solid form, everything helps steady her now when she needs it most.

Barely even a week ago, she would never have seen herself with him like this. But then, she also had no idea how deeply his feelings for her ran. She's pained to admit it, but looking back, Kaname sees how much she took him being there for granted when he risked his life time after time to protect her and the rest of Walkure.

She closes her eyes, shutting out the light and colors to focus on the sound of his breathing. It's getting better, stronger, deeper than before. He's recovering. The thought of that fills her with relief, enough to completely relax against him. So much so, her thoughts slip out.]

I'm lucky to have you with me.

[vartex]

The feeling's... definitely mutual, [is his murmured response, his thumb rubbing idly over the back of her hand, as if to remind himself that she's real- like her body against his wasn't proof enough already. Any point of contact with her is a blessing and something undeserved- but for once, he'll greedily accept it. It's been so long since he was allowed to have much of anything beyond the bare necessities to survive, aside from perhaps that one, beautiful night beneath the stars and the floating jellyfish, standing at her side.]

Kaname... thank you. I'm- I'm happy that it's you.

[He has so much to thank her for, to be grateful of. For supporting him, for taking care of him, for saving him. More than that, accepting him as he is. Breaking the silence, and... giving him this, something he never imagined he could have. Her company's always been enough to keep him satisfied, but this goes so far beyond something so simple.

It won't take him long to drift off, exhausted as he is- it's barely been a few hours yet he's still playing catch-up- but as long as he can stay conscious, his focus is on her and the way she feels against him.]